Michelle and Chad Guerra

We've moved...

2010-10-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

It's about time I got a blog in my married name so...Please visit us at our new location. Thx! mngmnt

www.theguerrafam.blogspot.com

chalk {i heart faces}

2010-09-28T19:00:00.001-07:00

I just happened to run into my friend Stacy...and I just happened to mention how I wanted to enter this photography contest dealing with chalk...and she just happens to have cute kids and a ton of chalk so...

Have you ever heard of I heart faces? So fun! Every week they have a photo contest with different themes. I've always wanted to do one of the contests, but have never got around to it.

Let me say, I don't by ANY means think I'm going to win this one (even though Stacy's kids are ADORABLE!). I know my picture isn't original and every other entry is a kid writing with sidewalk chalk. I just wanna start breaking into these little contests. Good way to sharpen my photography skills and get my creative juices flowing. Head over and check it out. It's a fun site!

Liam- 7 months

2010-09-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted pictures of Liam, and I thought these were just too cute to pass up. I just love his cheeks and little mouth! And those eyelashes! Definately not from me. He now has 8 teeth and is eating like a champ. Still hasn't mastered crawling (well, unless you count going backwards). He'll get it though. Anyways, that's about as exciting as it gets around here...wow, I've become one of those parents that has nothing better to talk about other than her child...stay tuned for more about my son's bowel movements...to be continued...

Craigslist: No, my husband is not for sell...

2010-08-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I posted some of our furniture for sell on craigslist. We were moving and hoped to downsize the load we'd have to move with us. My husband just happened to be in a few of the pictures that I'd posted with the ad.

Imagine my surprise today when I got a call asking if the man in the pictures was single. "What?," I asked in confusion. "The man in the pictures...does he come with the couches? Is he single?" I paused. Is this a prank? Does she have the wrong number? "What ad are you calling about? The couches?", I asked. "Yes. Does the man come with the couches? Is he single?" The crazy thing is there was not a hint of sarcasm in this lady's voice! I felt confused and stunned, almost as if I've just woken up from a nap and I'm half out of it still. "Umm...no, he's not single." "Ugh!! Oookaaay. Thanks anyways. Bye." And she hung up.

The curious thing about this strange call is that in the picture, my husband is actually near a picture of Jesus and our wedding pictures! In one of the photos, he's actually arranging one of our engagement pictures! People these days!

So you all wanna see these incredibly good looking pictures?! Feast your eyes...but not too much...he's not for sale!

Chinese??

2010-08-10T07:52:00.001-07:00

I'm just curious why I always have chinese commentary on my blog posts. My sister-in-law interpretted some of it for me once. It was all fortune cookie type of sayings. Anyone else have this problem? If so, how do I make it stop?! I don't really want my blog to go private.

bucketlist

2010-08-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

I've always had a sort of "to-do list for life" of things I'd like to do before I die (a.k.a. bucket list). I'm so grateful to say that I've crossed some of those things off my list and will soon be crossing some more off. What's on my bucketlist? Well...

#1- Serve a mission...check

#2- Get my bachelor's degree...check

#3- Get married in the temple...check

#4- Go to Hawaii...check (twice over)

#5- give birth without an epidural ...check (even though once I was actually giving birth I ~~wanted~~ needed an epidural more than anything and yes, i know this is a weird thing to have on a bucket list)

#6- read the bible cover to cover...in progress (finished the old testament a few weeks ago and now in the new testament)

#7- run a marathon... still to be done

#8- photograph a wedding...check (I photographed my first wedding yesterday- stayed tuned into my photography blog to see the pictures in the next week or so)

#9- own my own house...almost check (I am going to include a few pictures that we took a few weeks ago so my mother in law can see...hi mom. we love you!)

#10- be completely debt free...yet to be achieved (obviously, the house isn't helping with that one)

I think I want to think up some more bucketlist items...hmm...a trip to Europe sounds nice...Spain, maybe England or Denmark (to visit an old friend...those won't help with #10 either)... :)

partial walk out basement-

basement

master bath vanity

hallway bath

kitchen

My testimony of the Book of Mormon

2010-06-27T16:54:00.000-07:00

I want to share how I found out for myself that the Book of Mormon is true.

In high school I remember hearing repeatedly about the importance of gaining my own "testimony" and not relying on my parent's testimonies or beliefs. I was encouraged to read the Book of Mormon and pray to know if it was true. Obediently, I read and prayed every night to find out for myself if the Book of Mormon really was another testament of Christ. I'm not sure what I was expecting. I'd heard of other's experiences gaining a testimony. They described feeling the holy ghost testify of it's truthfulness to them. They described feelings of warmth, like a burning in their bosom, others said they felt as if they'd been enveloped in a warm hug. This seemed foreign to me, but every night I continued, hoping, maybe even expecting something miraculous. Weeks went by, and then months. Nothing. I began to grow skeptical of the book. "How could it be true? What are the chances?", I asked skeptically. I continued to read and pray, but did so with increasing doubts in my heart.

Finally, one afternoon I approached my dad. I began to cry and said I didn't have a testimony. "I just don't believe. " He began to laugh. This caught me by surprise. How could he laugh when I was being so sincere. "Michelle, do you really think that Joseph Smith could have written that book?" Then he began to reason with me. He explained to me chiasmuses, and how each book contained in the book of mormon has shown evidence of distinct writing styles, indicative of several authors and not one, and he spoke about the little education Joseph Smith had, etc, etc. My dad reasoned with me in a way that I left asking some of the same questions, but doubt and skepticism were beginning to be replaced by a little spark of faith. It was a few days later that I would read Alma 32. I don't think it was a coincidence.

"Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves- It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me."

As I read this verse, among others in Alma, the spirit ever so gently testified to me that what I was reading was true. It was a feeling of peace and a feeling that I wanted to know more. It appealed to me and felt wholesome and good. It's hard to explain. The spirit speaks gently, but powerfully. Even so, my testimony then was so small- a seed that needed nurturing. I've continued to nurture it. I've lost track of the times I've read the Book of Mormon- somewhere upwards of 20 times. Each time my conviction that this book is of God grows. Each time I grow closer to the Lord.

Currently, I'm studying the Old Testament. Thirty-four more pages to go. I've learned a lot. I've learned to see how the law of Moses pointed to the atonement of Christ. I've grown to understand and appreciate the temple more. I've seen the ill effects that happen when people are unwilling to listen to the prophet. I've seen apostacy and restoration, priesthood and prophecy. It's been a good experience. Yet, I must admit, I can't wait to get back to studying the book of mormon as my main scripture study. The Book of Mormon has helped me come to know the Lord more than anything else I've ever read- new testament included.

One last story- Victoria, Spain. My mission companion and I went to pay a visit to a girl we had met in the streets that had been interested in learning more about the Book of Mormon and our church. We knocked on her door. No answer. Disappointed, we began to leave the apartment building to head out to the streets. To our surprise, we found the woman we had been trying to visit. Veronica was her name. She was from Peru. Veronica had been hiding from us. (It's funny to see what people will do to avoid talking to mormon missionaries- haha). We were determined to share even a little bit with her. So there, in the stairwell of this apartment building, we shared a brief overview of how God has always called prophets, but how, as foretold in the Bible, there was an apostacy followed by a restoration of God's church and that God, through Jospeh Smith, restored this church and translated the book of Mormon. Then we showed her the Book of Mormon and briefly explained that it was a record of an ancient people that lived in the Americas that came from Jerusalem. They too believed in Christ. I shared the scripture Moroni 10:3-5.

"Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.
And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.
And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."

As I shared those verses, I felt the need to stress the part about asking with a sincere heart and real intent. It caught me off guard when she blurted out, what do you mean "verdadera intention" (real intent). I explained that you sincerely want to know and you're not just reading to read. Only you and God can know you're true intentions. We left her with a copy of the Book of Mormon and that promise, but had little hope for her, after all, she had hid from us.

But, Veronica read. And she didn't just read a few chapters. She read the whole book, including the index in the back. And more than that, she read with a sincere heart and real intent. It was amazing to see the changes that took place in her. The intimacy in which she prayed changed, her thirst to know more about things of God changed, she desired to be baptized and she began sharing her new found faith with her friends. She truly had a change of heart. The Book of Mormon was key in this change. I've witnessed this in others lives and seen it happen in my own.

I know the Book of Mormon is true. I know it will help people draw closer to God. I sometimes think, I don't understand how someone could read this book and not believe it to be from God, but then I remember how I had initially read the book with skepticism. I would hope that all might be able to read the Book of Mormon with real intent as did Veronica.

Testimony of apostle Jeffrey R. Holland regarding the Book of Mormon (okay, so for some reason it's linking another message from Jeffrey R. Holland- which is also very good- but just click on the Book of Mormon link video that will be on that same page)

Baby Easton

2010-06-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

For those of you that are unaware, my sister Sheena found out that there were some complications with their baby. Through testing they discovered that the baby had a rare condition called triploidy. The baby would not survive and also put Sheena at risk for developing a whole slew of things, including cancer. The doctors said they would need to induce her early.

This past Thursday, being 21 weeks along, Sheena was induced. I told Sheena I would take pictures. They didn't expect the baby to live long, so I got to be in the birth.

It was beautiful to see Sheena's courage and the way Sheena and Bradley pulled together as a couple as they faced this painful experience.

Sheena holding her baby for the first time. It was a tender moment to see the love she had for her new baby. I still cry every time I see her grief in these pictures.

Baby Easton. So tiny. So sweet. Such a special little spirit.

Payson and Sadie were so anxious to see their new little baby brother, especially Payson. He's talked about this baby with anticipation for months now. Although Bradley and Sheena had tried explaining that the baby would go live with Jesus, I'm not sure they really understood. As they waited outside in the waiting room i suspect they sensed something was wrong. Lynnae & me couldn't hold back tears. Sadie seemed nervous and a little confused as she comforted Lynnae by playing with her ear and giving her a hug.

Sadie and Payson get to see their new little brother for the first time. He's already passed away. I think they were a little confused. Bradley and Sheena said the baby was with Heavenly Father now, yet Payson was holding the baby. Although Sadie and Payson seem like their normal selves, I think there must be some level of comprehension. Sheena says that Payson doesn't ask about baby Easton any more.

Families can be together forever. Until we meet.

Easton Reisner June 3, 2010

an applicable mormon message video

A day at the park

2010-05-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

Cutty-boy explores with dad...

Dad takes exploring too far...(the water is cold, bbbrrr)

Mom comforts cutty-boy...

Cutty-boy wants food...

a little gem for a laugh

2010-05-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have so much to update on here, but I haven't had the time, but I can post this little tidbit. I couldn't resist sharing this picture anyways. (Sorry it's a little blurry.) I was taking pictures for Shannon before she headed back to Arizona and Payson wanted to be in every shot. We tried to explain to Payson that these pictures were just Preston alone and that we'd take some of him next. He did not like that. He stormed off. However, he stepped in the frame of this picture just as I was getting ready to take this of Preston. Totally unexpected! I love Payson's scowl...it still makes me laugh!

Pray for my sister Sheena and her family

2010-05-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

This last Monday I had a pediatrician appointment for Liam. We were at the front desk filling out paperwork when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around to find my sister Sheena and brother-in-law Bradley. They were just leaving the doctors office. They were going to find out the sex of their baby that day and our whole family was eager with anticipation.

"What are you having?", I asked. Then I noticed something wrong. Sheena's face was red and tears were in her eyes. One of them answered that they were having a girl. "What's wrong Sheena? You didn't want a girl." Sheena couldn't speak, she was so overcome with emotion. All she could do was shake her head. "What's wrong," I repeated. "Is the baby okay?" Bradley said, "Oh, we'll tell you later." Now I was getting emotional. "Bradley, is the baby okay?" That's when I found out the complications. Bradley and Sheena had not only found out they were having girl, they'd also found out it's organs were growing on the outside of it's body and that their baby had fluid on the brain. They would need to see a specialist to find out more.

They've since learned that in addition to the other complications, the left side of it's brain is abnormally larger than the right. There's technical terms, but the gist of it all is that they suspect some chromosome defect or an extra chromosome. They are testing the amniotic fluid to learn more. And now they wait for two weeks til they learn more. If the baby has an extra chromosome, the baby will die. They doctors said abortion is an option, but of coarse, the Reisners refuse to take that route. Sheena may have to carry her baby full term knowing that it may only live an hour. Other possibilities, the baby doesn't have an extra chromosone and it will indefinately have to undergo surgeries and it may have some mental retardation. Pray for my sister and her family.

To hear Sheena's side of the story or to leave a nice comment, visit her blog HERE.

Lynnae & Eli at prom

2010-05-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

My mom wanted me to post some pictures of Lynnae at prom so she could show my grandparents...so here you go mom. (Hi grandma and grandfather!)

Chunky goodness of the lovey kisses of the greatest reward (my title is dedicated to Traci)

2010-05-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

Liam is getting so chunky! The most frequent regarding him is "he doesn't miss a meal". He is now 3 months, but has outgrown 3 month clothing. He wears 6-9 month old clothing and last week he weighed in at 16.6 pounds and 25 inches. Time for a picture update.

Grateful

2010-05-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a nice day. Nothing spectacular, but just nice.
Chad & I attended the ground breaking services for the Kansas City, MO lds temple. At first it was a little distracting because the connection with the groundbreaking service kept on getting disrupted.
Then finally the webcast gets connected and Liam begins to get fussy.
I head to the foyer with him. We listen to the service as I pace the foyer with a bounce in my step to rock him. We looked at the pictures of Christ on the walls. "There's Jesus", I'd say, pointing to the pictures, as if Liam understands me. Maybe he does.
Things were peaceful. In the peace my thoughts wandered. I realized how lucky I was to be attending the groundbreaking of a temple in a city that early latter-day saints only dreamt of building in. I felt grateful. I thought about how so much that I have and enjoy can be accredited to the lives lived by my ancestors and others that came before me. It was humbling. I felt that being a mother and teaching these things to my son will be one of the greatest things I can do. I cried.
Sometimes I think it's good to cry, whether sad or grateful, it's good. It helps me feel alive. It lets me know I'm not numb. Have you cried lately?
Tonight I was blog hopping and came upon a link to a inspirational video. I cried again. I need to go to bed. :) But for those of you that might need a good cry, give it a watch...HERE (it's also very fitting for Mother's day)
Happy mother's day to my mom and all you other mom's out there. Okay, now I'm off to bed.
Oh, one last thing- I got an early mother's day surprise. Aren't they cute?

Silver Dollar City

2010-04-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

Look at us! A day of fun, riding rollercoasters. Little Liam, he just loves it! We were so excited to get there that Chad didn't even take the time to change from his scrubs that he wears to work. What's that white thing on the side you ask...oh, just part of the ride. There were random refrigerators along the coarse of the rollercoaster. The ride was called "Yo-Yo Diet rollercoaster". I guess the refrigerators are supposed to be some sort of prop that they tie in with the theme. Must be. There were also large statues of Richard Simmons, Jane Fonda, a soda waterfall, and you can't tell, but our seats were actually shaped like donuts and cupcakes...

...okay, you figuered me out. So we didn't really go to silver dollar city. We got a new computer and we were messing with some of the programs on it. How could I pass up posting such a fun picture? :)

St. Louis trip

2010-04-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

This last Friday we went to the temple. Sheena and Bradley watched Liam while we watched Sadie and Payson.
Here's Sadie with one of the flowers picked from the temple grounds...whoops.

Some flowers Sadie didn't pick :)

My attempts to get a cute picture of Sadie and Payson together in front of the temple...Does being in the same picture count as being together?

Later we went to the zoo with Sheena and Bradley. Four hours of of walking around the zoo can wipe one out! But I was determined to see the elephants before we left. I did, but I was too tired to get a picture by then.

The Prom

2010-04-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Did I tell you that Chad asked me to prom? Okay, okay, so maybe it was just a "church prom" and maybe he was just going because he's young men's president and had to chaperone, but it was fun anyways. It's nice to have an excuse to get dressed up. Sadly, I didn't get any pictures of us, but I did of my sister and the group she went with. Aren't they cute? The youth here are so awesome!

Pinewood Derby

2010-04-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

Cody got the award for best looking car...ironically, he hated the way it looked. My dad thought it'd be cool to make it look antiqued.

Cody got 2nd place.

Easter pics

2010-04-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

Chunk-a-chunk of burning love

2010-04-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

Hopefully you've heard the song by Elvis to get the play on words of my title...at least I think it was Elvis. Okay, so I've never actually heard the song myself, but Uncle Jesse on Full House sang it once..."I'm just a hunk a hunk of burnin' love" (the episode where he breaks both arms and Stephanie is helping him strum his guitar...)

Anyways, enough of that. Liam had his belated 6 week check up today. He's now 2 months and he ranks in at the 95 percentile for his weight and 90 percentile for his height. He's a chunk, thus my title. I thought this picture would do this news justice.

Emerging Personality

2010-03-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

Liam is sure growing up! He's almost 2 months old and he now weighs in at 15 pounds and has graduated to a size 3 in diapers! He's always wanting to eat. I get so used to having my shirt up to nurse all the time that I sometimes don't even realize it's still up. In fact the other day I left the house and realized I left my cell inside. I ran in to get it and in the process passed a mirror to find I'd left the house with my shirt part way up. Yikes! Thank you missing cell phone!

He's also really showing some personality in his expressions and smiling regularly (especially after being fed).

The other day I was in best buy looking at the camera accesories. I was holding Liam in my arms when someone passed by and said, "Oh, how cute." I looked down at Liam to find him staring at me with a huge smile. How sweet. He's my guy.

Other fun things about Liam-

He loves to grunt when he doesn't like something
He giggles when I sing Oh, Holy Night
He loves to be held on my shoulder
He loves to lay on the countertop and watch me in the mirror when I put on my make-up and fix my hair
He coughs when he wants to eat
He messes his pants like no other whenever we make a day trip to Springfield

Kyra & Brigham's Gracie Sue

2010-03-22T18:35:00.000-07:00

Look at all that red hair!

I can just hear Brigham talking to Lydia when I see him in this picture with his shoulders shrugged and the smile from his profile.

Lydia meets baby Gracie for the first time.

I love the little mittens.

Isn't Kyra look a beautiful mom...and probably the only person who could pull off a "grillbillies" t-shirt.

"I'll just love 'em..."

2010-03-02T13:11:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here surrounded by piles of folded laundry that need putting away, and a basket that still awaits folding. The vacuum is still sitting out for that spare minute that I hope to get to finish the second half of my house, dishes from lunch still sit around and I have sandpaper and paint sitting out from some picture frames and a piano that I'm refinishing. Why all the half finished jobs...my baby LOVES to be held! If I set him down when he's sleeping, he'll sleep maybe five minutes and then wake up crying. My wrists are killing me from all the multi-tasking I've done with him in my arms. You might wonder why I'm blogging write now, instead of tackling some of my to-do's...the baby isn't in a deep enough sleep for me to put him down yet...I just know.

At first, I worried that all this holding him was going to spoil him, but according to the google searches I've done, you can't spoil a newborn by holding them too much. After four months, it's a different story the experts say.

But I'm also reminded of something else, something I really want to write about...my mom. When I was 18, I left home for Mesa. I lived with my mom's parents for a few months. At 18 I was perfectly aware of what I thought were my parents imperfections. My grandfather saw something different. One conversation I had with him still stays with me.

My grandfather said that when my mom would come over to visit them my sister and me would get into everything. "Jeanne, you need to get after your kids", my grandparents would tell my mom. But she'd always reply back with the same response, "I'll just love 'em". My grandfather admitted to being very concerned about my mother's philosophy on parenting. "We worried about how you kids would turn out," he said. "But look at you all. You're turning out just fine. Your mom was the one that taught us. She knew all along. I'll just love 'em..." My grandfather's voice trailed off as he starred off in the distance thinking about the things he'd just told me.

"I'll just love 'em". Simple philosophy on parenting, but effective. Come what may I knew that two people would always love me, my mom and God (sorry dad, i knew you loved me too, but for some reason I'd always think of mom...I'd probably cite you if this were a story on justice :)) Over the years growing up, I always knew that whatever stupid thing I did, I could tell my mom because she wouldn't overreact and she'd still love me. It kept me out of too much trouble. That same love also comforted me when I dealt with the embarrassment of severe acne, and the rejection and dissappointment that came with several years of being single. And on my mission I would write home about how difficult all the rejection was. My mom wrote back what I intially thought was, 'I wish I could be there with you', but then as I did a double take on the sentence, I realized she'd instead written, "I wish I could take your place." What better tutorial to understanding God's love, than to have someone love you like that.

So for right now, I'll hold my boy. There will be plenty ahead of him in life where his mom can't be there to hold him.

(me, dad, Shannon, mom)

A month of cuteness!!!

2010-02-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that almost a month has gone by since I gave birth to our little Liam (this Tuesday he'll be one month old). He's getting so big (the newborn clothes and diapers don't seem awkwardly oversized and he's starting to occasionally smile)! We've taken sooo many pictures as you will see from below.

Our baby story...

2010-02-07T12:54:00.000-08:00

So I'm glad I took that last maternity picture when I did, because I ended up going into labor that same afternoon. Here's the breakdown of how things unfolded...

Mon 2:45- Appointment with Dr. Bailey...I'm 2cm dilated, 80% effaced, & the head is way down there. He says he wouldn't doubt it if I went into labor that night.

After being checked I'm feeling continuous contractions, but I was making dinner, so didn't time them.

7:00 pm-ish- family home evening which consists of walking around walmart with our iphones in hand timing my contractions.

8:00 pm-ish- go home to see how the contractions will go with me relaxing on the couch...still consistent an hour & half later at about 4 minutes apart, call the hospital and let them know we're coming.

9:50 pm- drive the 50 minutes to the hospital while listening to Micheal Buble

10:40- arrive at the hospital. The nurse checks me thinking I'm a 4 or a 5 & calls the doctor. Dr. Bailey arrives and I'm only a 3.

Contractions increase in intensity. The nurses give me stadol in my iv to help with the pain so I can get some sleep. I feel sooo loopy and sedated, but it works like a charm & I get some sleep.

8:30 am- Dr. Bailey checks me- I'm dilated to a 4. He breaks my water. I'm told I can have an epidural when I'm dilated to a 6. Dr. Bailey tells the nurses to call him when my labor progresses more- better too early than too late.

Chad & me take to walking the halls of the hospital, squatting on contractions until the contractions get too intense for me to take standing.

9:45 am- Dilated to a 5. I beg for an epidural, they give me stadol in my iv instead. It makes me feel a little loopy again but does nothing to the pain.

10:15- I ask that the nurse check me again, sure that I'm a 6. The nurse is skeptical that I've advanced so quickly, but checks me anyways..."oh, you're a good 6", she says in surprise. One order of epidural coming up.

10:40- I feel the first urge to push. The anethisiologist finally arrives, but too late.

10:45 am- The nurses check me- I'm dilated to a 10. The doctor still hasn't arrived. The nurses tell me not to push but at this point all my stomach & pelvic muscles are almost forcing me to. The nurses scurry to prepare to deliver a baby without the doctor.

The doctor arrives a few minutes later with no time to change into scrubs.

11:20 am- Liam is born! 8 pounds 8 ounces, 22 inches.

Proud new daddy.

It makes me laugh because Chad is just beaming and I look so dead. I'm still somewhat sedated from the stadol plus exhausted from labor.

When all is said and done, I'm grateful things unfolded as they did. Silly as it may sound, one of my life's ambitions has been to give birth without an epidural. However, as my due date drew close & I watched more episodes of TLC's "A Baby Story", I chickened out and reassured myself that I would still have a natural birth, just not with this first one. Maybe Heavenly Father knew I just needed to be sort of forced into a natural birth if I were to ever do it. I Can't say I will have any other births without an epidural, but regardless I'm grateful I can now say that I did it! I am also grateful for a husband that stayed by my side holding my hand, wiping my forehead, and even cried with me at the sight of my pain. And I'm grateful for this beautiful new baby boy.

39 weeks

2010-02-01T11:20:00.000-08:00

I wanted to get one last picture of me as a pregnant lady. I'm 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant...can't tell that I'm anxious, can you? I have a doctors appointment this afternoon. We'll see what he says. I know that my chances of having this baby before my due date are slim, but can't a girl hope?

The rest of my Christmas pics

2010-02-01T10:29:00.000-08:00

So I still have some pictures from Christmas that I haven't loaded. Last time I tried, it kept messing up, so I put it off for another day...then I forgot about it. So here they are, finally.

We took this before Chad and I headed out to Utah because the whole family was there.

All the girls.

All the boys. I love how Chad is the only one that looks posed for a picture. All the pictures his mom takes has trained him well.

Okay, so I cheated on this picture. We didn't actually take this picture before Christmas, but the ones we did take of Sheena & Bradley's family didn't turn out as good. If you haven't noticed, I'm still learning how to take good family/group pictures where everyone is in focus. Live and learn.

The Cooks.

Shannon & Preston.

Mom and dad.

Okay, here's some more from our time in Utah. Chad and I stayed with my cousins, the Rowleys. These were some pictures I took at there house during a family dinner.

Robert, Bridget...and um...I can't remember their daughter's name right now. Well, let's just say, The Bentleys.

Uncle Ty & Aunt Malinda.

Aaahh, what loving cousins.

These two just got engaged. Congratulations Tiffany!

Other projects

2010-01-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

At my baby shower Carolann Moak gave me a diaper that she made...from scratch! People like that amaze me. Then I found out that my cousin Terri Ann also makes up her own patterns for different bags that she sews (here's her blog if you want to see some of the stuff she makes and sells- http://www.terriannhart.blogspot.com/). I was amazed and inspired by them, so I decided to tackle a bag of my own. No, I didn't make my own pattern, but I did splice together two different patterns to make a bag with features I'd like better. Below is the bag & also a changing pad that I made. Ironically, the changing pad was more difficult for me. I've sworn to never sew with vinyl again!

My sister Kyra and me have been getting into different ways to make cute flowers and clips. Here's some of the flowers/clips I made.

I made this tutu because I think they're so adorable for pictures.

I love how all the projects I want to make are girly sort of things and I'm expecting a boy! Oh well, I bet Kyra is grateful for all the stuff I try out on her daughter.

The nursery is done!

2010-01-29T20:57:00.000-08:00

I've finally finished the nursery, now just waiting for the baby...or maybe he's been waiting for me to finish his room before he comes. Just one more week. :)

Here's the best shot I could get of the whole room.

This is a stained glass hanging that Chad's dad made several years ago. He gave this to us a few months back and it became my inspiration for the color scheme of the baby room. (Actually, my color scheme evolved from this stained glass and 8 yards of gray material that I had lying around that I didn't know what to do with. Trying to be resourceful, I paired my gray material with the teal and red colors in the stained glass to try to make a nursery that wasn't too dreary).

Caroll Wilkins made this vinyl lettering for me for a baby shower gift. I love it! Check her out on Etsy or at her blog (http://www.vinylexpress.blogspot.com/)if you're interested in her making something for you.

This is the crib set that I sewed. You can see how I made use of my gray material :) Oh, and I have to give credit to Chad for putting together the crib.

My mom made this shelf for me for Christmas. Some of my favorite gifts I've received over the years are things she made in her wood shop. Oh, and a lot of things on the shelves were other gifts I've received for this baby.

I had to redo the blocks I'd originally made since the greens and blues didn't match as well.

Christmas pictures

2010-01-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

We spent Christmas in Utah this year with Chad's family. I took a ton a pictures!

We started off the Christmas season by going to the temple as a family.

Chad's brother Jonathon was going to the temple for the first time.

Yes, Ashley, my mission companion responsible for getting me

hooked on candy in Spain,is now feeding her baby syrup.

Christmas wouldn't be complete in the Guerra household without cookie decorating.

Brittany got a little carried away with the blue frosting.

I took so many pictures of this little guy!

Sledding.

Another Guerra tradition...the Christmas Eve pajamas.

The tree and stockings.

Christmas morning crunch time.

The traditional Christmas morning french toast.

"All the single ladies"...

The family picture.

Charlie Brown Christmas tree

2009-12-16T16:58:00.000-08:00

Growing up, one of our Christmas time traditions was to cut down our own tree. Needless to say, every year we'd have a barren, Charlie Brown christmas tree. To add to our tree's pathetic appearnace, every year my sister Kyra insisted that her kindergarten-made ornament be hung front and center. (Her christmas ornament was a paper plate painted purple, hole punched one the outside with green yarn laced through, and an orange & purple ceramic monkey pasted in the center of the plate). The tree's branches would bend with the load of the ceramic monkey decor. I vowed that I would never have a Charlie Brown tree or tacky ornaments when I had a home of my own.

Well, it's my first Christmas with Chad and guess what we did for a Christmas tree this year...yep, we cut down a tree ourselves. So much for my previous vows. But it gets better, it's not even a real pine- it's a cedar tree. What can I say? The pickings were slim on my parents property.

The tree...

The chainsaw (and my dad's backside)...

The haul...

Chad with his kill (a 10 point christmas tree he called it)...

The happy couple...

My brilliant idea to begin a tradition of making our own ornaments every year. We both agreed that this might be the only year that glitter will be used (especially since this will be our last child-free Christmas).

Some of our homemade ornaments (prettier than a ceramic monkey pasted to a paper plate, right?)...

Me trying to hang ribbon on our tree. Chad said it looked more like a toilet papering job...I agreed. We made the ribbon into some of the above ornaments instead. :)

The final result. Next year we will buy an artificial tree.

Michelle loves Chad!

2009-12-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

I love my husband. I realize that I've only been married for about a year and I could be accused of still being in the honeymoon stage, but why is it that my love for him continues to grow? The increase has been nothing dramatic. Like nature, it grows ever so slowly everyday. Everyday a little more deeply rooted. Everyday gently sprouting. I'm grateful for him and the increased happiness I find with him. He wrote me a poem the other day-

Seasons

Our love tumbles and crashes, opening and closing, and sometimes gasps rhythmically out of the water, drying and parching away from where it was born.
And then we crash together again, and her kisses raise the crushed blades of grass and bring the green back to the brown. We rotate like dancers, closer then farther, rekindling, reawakening and falling asleep.
Sometimes when we swing so far away I cannot feel her hand in my hand. I started to panic, that she had turned away. I close my open hand, around hers. Still there.
Standing in one place, once taken for granted, now so difficult to be the stable one. Two planets we revolve around each other, pulling with our gravity, unstabilizing each other with our love and our pushing. I thought she would define my substance, but she defines my space. I thought she would slake my thirst, but she became my seasons. I thought she would give only life, but now she guides me in death and resurrection. I thought love would be my center, but it is my matrix, and my favorite color.

He's definately more romantic and poetic than me. In fact, he had to explain parts of this poem for me...I'll let you try to figure it out for yourself though :)

It's set in stone...

2009-12-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

...well, maybe not stone, but at least block. We finally decided on name- Liam Seth Guerra. Hopefully he looks like a Liam to us when he's born because I've already started making things with his name on it. Below are some blocks and other things that I've made for his room.

My new blog!

2009-11-27T21:08:00.001-08:00

I started a new blog that has all my photography! There's a link for it on my sidebar under Michelle Guerra photo blog or the website is www.mguerraphotography.blogspot.com. Go check it out and leave me some comments!

Bridle your passions that ye may be filled with love...

2009-11-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

A frequently quoted scripture in the Book of Mormon is found in Alma 38:12. Here, Alma counsels his son Shiblon to "bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love". Growing up I'd heard this scripture repeatedly likened to the need to control your hormones while you were dating if you ever hoped to find true love.

This scripture took on a new meaning for me one Christmas when I was home visiting family. Being home is supposed to be fun, but I was actually struggling with the transition. I wasn't used to the messy house, the constant chaos of kids, and the frigde completely void of anything I considered remotely healthy. My sanctuary soon became the room which I was put up in- the cluttered office with the blow up mattress in the corner. It was there that I one day came upon the former scripture in my studies. However, this time I connected with Shiblon in a way that I never before had. Shiblon had been the obedient son who'd faithfully served with his father in preaching the gospel. Alma acknowledges and even praises his son's obedience, but then comes his caution and counsel. Alma speaks of his own conversion and stresses how it was not his own righteousness that brought about his change of heart. He talks about being temperate and not being lifted up unto pride, then the familiar scripture- "Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love". Why did I connect with Shiblon? I, like him, was getting a little too confident in my own capabilities. Like Shiblon, I needed Alma's reminder that though we may be working towards change, it is God who ultimately endows us with the change of heart we seek and blesses us with the talents we possess. The strengths I might have (or I might perceive myself as having :) ) were never meant to be used with overbearance or condenscension, but to bless and serve others just as Christ.

I thought I'd squeezed all the needed lessons from this scripture, yet as of late, I've gleaned even more from Alma's words. As seen from previous posts, I've taken on several different projects, primarily refinishing furniture and photography. I've absolutely loved exploring these different venues of creation and creativity. You could say I'm passionate about these things. However, with time I began to wonder if my "passions" were healthy for me. Not only were they consuming my time, but also my thoughts and attention. I noticed that meals became simpler, scripture study more rushed, my appearance more low maintenance, my house was accumulating little sorting piles, and I wasn't giving Chad the attention he needed after work. Not only that, I began to notice that my love for each of these areas was affected. For example, I enjoy cleaning, but when I was so occupied with my projects, housecleaning became more of a burden rather than a joy. This bothered me and I began to seek for understanding.

It was in working on one of my projects that this scripture was reintroduced to my mind. I have continued to think on this scripture, pray for understanding and try to put the counsel into practice. I can say that I've gained a deeper understanding that God is happy for us to find things that we love and are passionate about. He wants us to take the talents he's given us and to further develop them as a wise steward would do. However, all this with a caution to govern our passions so it us ruling, not the passions. I still love the process of creation and creativity, but now there's a time and a place for them as with all things; a time for laundry, a time to talk with a sister on the phone, a time for showering, a time for grocery shopping, a time for exercise, a time to fix dinner, a time for applying make-up, a time for sewing, a time for studying my scriptures, a time for cuddling up with my husband, etc.,... My love for my passions is not decreased by putting a reign on them. In fact, my love for them feels deeper because it feels more balanced and healthier...I feel more balanced and healthier.

My new hobby...

2009-11-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I've finally finished reupholstering the couches and ottoman...(yay!)

...so now it's time to learn a new hobby. I've decided to take up photography. Chad & me bought a nicer camera this last week. I've read the camera manual from cover to cover and have been playing around with it and photo editing this last week. Below are some of the pics.

I watched Kyra & Brigham's daughter Lydia one morning. She was so well behaved while I snapped shots of her. She was, however, not much for smiling. I think she was just wondering what I was doing with that strange black object in my hands. It's so fun to imagine what goes through the minds of babies!

Taken by Chad, edited by me...

Baby Names

2009-11-08T17:09:00.000-08:00

When we first found out we were pregnant, Chad's sister Teline said that if we named the baby Stinky Poo Guerra, she would offer us lifetime babysitting and college tuition to our firstborn. As tempting as this is, I think we'll go for something a little more traditional. In fact, I've sat here tonight with my husband googling all sorts of baby names. We've looked at baby name searches, family history, and still are unsure about what we will call this little guy. I never thought it would be this hard to pick out a name. Ironically, I have plenty of girl names that I like. So far, these are the name combinations that we've come up with-
Liam Seth
Kale Seth
Smith Hollister
Smith James
These are my thoughts on the names we've come up with so far-

Liam- We both really like this name. I've never met a Liam, but according to a google search, it's becoming quite popular. I'm not looking to name my kid after another trend.

Seth- I like the idea and meaning behind the name: he was just like his father and it means annointed.

Kale- Chad has really liked the sound of this name and found out tonight that it is the hawaiin derivative of his name. The only problem: I can't pronounce it. It comes out more like- "Kell" when I say it. (My sister Kyra informed me of my incorrect pronounciation)

Smith- I really like it's originality. It was my great grandfather's name, Chad's mom's maiden name, and the last name of Joseph Smith; but does it really pair well with Guerra?

Hollister- another original name. It was my great grandfather's middle name, but will people think I'm naming my son after the clothing store? I don't even own anything from Hollister.

James- Chad's grandfather's name- Smith James would actually be his name in reverse order.

Alright, now that I've divulged our ideas on names, none of you out there better steal any of them! We're still undecided. But we would love feedback or more ideas on names or how to pick one. :)

Laundry

2009-11-02T19:58:00.000-08:00

Life has been busy! But it feels good. I've been learning to do payroll, taxes, and billing at Chad's office and there's several projects that I've taken on at home (currently it's reupholstering another couch). Because life has been so hectic, I've become queen of multi-tasking. For example, I've perfected the art of exercise that can be performed while cleaning (you should see me run in place with a vacuum cleaner, do jumping jacks while unloading the dishwasher & squats while folding clothes). I can't imagine what things will be like when I finally have my baby! I've also learned that some things take a back burner when something more urgent comes up. Often this means that a load of laundry will sit in the dryer a few days before it gets folded. I had to laugh when I had this conversation with Chad tonight-

Chad: Do you know where my shorts are? I can't find any of them.
Michelle: I don't know. Probably in the dryer. I did laundry today.
Chad (while searching through the dryer): I think my scrubs need to start being hung up after they're washed.
Michelle: Why? 'Cuz they're wrinkled?
Chad: I look like I'm the only one at the office who doesn't care what they look like.
Michelle: So what are you trying to say?
Chad: That I look like I'm the only one that doesn't care what they look like.
Michelle: No, you're trying to say that your wife isn't very good at laundry...
Chad (in corrective tone): No, you do great at laundry!
Michelle: Well good. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing then.

I gotta love him. He's so fun to tease sometimes.

3-D ultrasound...almost :)

2009-11-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

This last Friday, Chad and me went to the hospital to get a 3-D ultrasound. Sadly, things didn't go quite as planned. First, the baby had his cute little hand up by his face, thus interfering with the possibility of actually getting a 3-D picture. As we jiggled my stomach around in an attempt to get him to move his hand, he decided he wanted to roll over and turn his back towards us. Off to the hospital hallways we went, ice water in hand hoping the combination of cold water and walking would get him a little uncomfortable and make him want to roll back around. That worked, but this time he decided he not only wanted his cute little hand by his head, but to throw in his cute little feet as well. Needless to say, we did not get any 3-D pictures that day...but we did get some other fun footage.
I understand that discerning ultrasounds can be somewhat difficult, but if you watch closely, you'll see him open and close his little hand, swallowing, and even kick himself in the nose.

Here you go Shannon...me at 6 months!

2009-11-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

Shannon has been wanting to see what me and my pregnant self look like. Since I've been doing so many projects I feel like I'm never looking picture worthy. Lucky for Shannon, this cute, little town called Filley, is picture worthy. I've always wanted to stop and take pictures here, but have never had the chance. I finally snatched that chance on the way home from a doctor's appointment with Chad. I hope to take better pictures here in the future, but creativity is somewhat limited when your working with a self timer, almost dead batteries, and limited places to set up a camera.

The Nesting Stage

2009-10-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

From what I understand, every expectant mother goes through a stage before giving birth where they clean, decorate, organize, etc. in preparation for their new arrival. This phenomenon is know as the nesting stage. When I think of this stage pictures of pastel paints, stuffed animals, cribs and pillows come to mind.

Last week as I was talking with my sister Shannon and telling her about all the projects I'd taken on, she laughed and said, "Michelle, you're in the nesting stage". I didn't think this was possible since I don't even own any baby stuff yet, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I am. My "nesting", is just a little unconventional. It hasn't consisted of baby blue, cuddly animals, & petite clothes, instead it has been sanding, painting, picking out staples & seam allowances, cutting, sewing, & using a staple gun. (Oh, and don't worry. I took the necessary precautions when painting)

Below are some of the pictures of the projects that I've finished so far.

My mom built this potato box awhile ago, but I've never had the time or space to finish the wood. Staining it was the first project I took on.

This cedar chest was a Christmas present one year. My mom also made this & had finished it with polyurathane giving it a natural wood finish. I wanted the wood darker & to look a little worn. This was my 2nd project. I don't think the picture does the cedar chest justice though.

My in-laws gave us their old dresser set. They were in great condition, they just didn't match our bedroom. Originally I wanted to stain it like the cedar chest, but the dressers were made from particle board with wood & laminate veneers, so I had to paint instead. These were my 3rd project(s). Here's some before & after pics.

My in-laws also gave us their old couch, love seat & ottoman. They were also in good condition, just didn't match our stuff once again. Originally I was going to sew a slip cover, but somehow that evolved into me taking on my first re-upholstering job. My mom has experience upholstering furniture. She was going to help me, but because she's been so busy, I ended up doing everything on my own. This was my 4th project.

My 5th project- still a work in progress...

...to be continued.

My favorite season

2009-10-18T15:12:00.001-07:00

I love the fall! It is my favorite season. I love the way the air feels, the colors, the smells, the holidays, and the quiet peacefulness associated with it. For me, it represents a time in my life when I learned to submit my will to the Lord's. In that time period, as the seasons transitioned from summer to fall, my soul also underwent a change. Nature seemed to be calming down. The planting & toiling of the field was over and the quiet satisfaction of the harvest entering. It invited a stillness with it, and one that my own heart seemed to echo. For me autumn now serves as an annual memorial to take time to be still.

I can't think of a better way to be still and draw close to the Lord than to hear the words and messages of a prophet and the apostles. How thankful I am for this opportunity every October to listen to them as we watch General Conference. I know the Lord answered some of my questions and prayers through counsel given in conference.

Maybe it's the home economics teacher in me, but I get so excited about any special event and the chance I have to create new traditions associated with it in our own little family. And of coarse, what better way to commemorate any special event than with good food. I got up early that morning and made multi-grain & nut pancakes and I had prepared snack food the day before for between sessions of conference. All in all, it was a day of both physical and spiritual feasting where we felt the satisfaction of full bellies & full hearts.

It's a Boy!

2009-10-18T14:23:00.001-07:00

The title and the pictures are pretty self explanatory :)

Walnut Festival

2009-10-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

In Stockton one of the big community events is something called the "Walnut Festival". It is celebrated annually around harvesting of the walnuts. It was fun for us to attend, not only because it would be our first Walnut Festival, but because Lynnae would have a big part to play in all the festivities. She opened the ceremonies singing the National Anthem and would be representing Stockton in the Black Walnut festival pageant. Below are pictures of some of the different events we attended in connection with the Walnut Festival.

Lynnae singing the National Anthem.

You can see my belly is starting to show...

Some of the parade spectators...

And some of the parade participants...Lynnae, Kelsi, Royce & Cody.

Lynnae won!!!

Missouri

2009-09-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

Here are a few random pics of some fun things we've done so far here in Missouri...

One lazy afternoon we got to examining these strange pods growing on a nearby tree. Somehow our curiosity turned into a game we invented of pitching them off the porch and trying to hit them with a bat from the yard below.

Using the self timer at Stockton Lake...

Our first trip to the St. Louis temple...8 hours round trip.

My belated birthday cake...

...and then later that afternoon with another expectant mother (no, not dad, the cow!).

Adam, Eve and me

2009-09-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

On August 6, with both of our cars packed to the brim, we gassed up and then said our last good-bye to Utah as we headed off for the little southwester Missouri town of Stockton. We were sad to leave behind family and friends and the beautiful Utah mountains, but were also optimistic about what lay ahead for us in what was to be our new home.

In the solitary hours of my drive ahead, I couldn’t help but think about our situation and feel a connection with Adam and Eve. Chad and I had both loved Utah and had been comfortable there, yet yearned for more. We knew we were taking risks by leaving the comforts of our “garden”. In fact, the risks seemed to be like a wilderness for us, yet the unknowns of the wilderness seemed to hold the needed opportunity and growth we longed for. There was something appealing about working by the “sweat of our brow” to establish a home of our own, and who knew, maybe even plant our own garden.

Things were going good until I passed Chad on a hill about four hours into our drive. He called me asking if I was aware of the big, black cloud of smoke coming from my exhaust pipe. Little did we know, that black smoke would be the beginning of transmission problems for my car. Chad drove back to a near-by town, Rock Point, Wyoming to rent a car dolly. He would have to pull my car the rest of the way to Missouri. I wondered, did Adam and Eve have this much difficulty in merely leaving the garden?

Those car problems would be the beginning of our troubles. To make a long story shorter, what was supposed to be an 18 hour drive took us 33 hours. That night, as we unpacked and rested, the tv was on in the background. A documentary about the Mormon exodus to the west came on. They too faced many difficulties as they entered their western wilderness. And even upon arriving to their “promised land”, there was much work ahead. By the sweat of their brow they would build houses and churches, plant crops and lay the foundations of new towns and cities. And after time, the desert would blossom as a rose and they would have their own garden-like Zion.

That night I was reminded that the story of the wilderness is not unique to Adam and Eve or Chad and Michelle. The Mormon pioneers, Moses and the children of Israel, and Lehi and his family all have a similar story to tell. It’s the story of all who are willing to leave the comforts of the present to face the wildernesses of their own life. But more importantly than leaving our garden-like state could possibly be the faith we maintain as we travel through the wilderness. Will we move forward with faith trusting in God as did Adam and Eve and the Mormon pioneers or feel abandoned and long for the ease of the past “gardens” as did the children of Israel or Laman and Lemuel? Chad and I have chosen to move forward with faith. We don’t know how long the wildernesses we are called to pass through will be, but we trust that there’s a promised land waiting ahead somewhere and that there can be joy in the journey.

Utah summer pics

2009-09-07T15:02:00.000-07:00

The other day I told Chad that I almost feel like I didn't experience summer this year, because a big chunk of it was spent sick indoors. However, as I look over my pictures, we did get to do some fun things. Below are an assortment of random events from (mostly) the summer.

On mother's day, Chad & I spoke in church. His mom, grandma, and Jonathon came to hear us speak and we had dinner for them afterwards. Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of everyone on this day.

Brittany had just gotten home from her mission in Taiwan and this was the day she gave us all sorts of cool gifts!

The only picture I have from the 4th of July this year :(

We had so much fun having weekly movies nights at our place with Chad's family. Before my morning sickness kicked in, we would have 'Dinner and a Movie'. We made fun things for dinner such as sushi, Cafe Rio and the pictures below are us making our own pizza! Yum!

Enjoying being with family at the Robinson's house after attending the homecoming of their son Nathaniel.

Chad's pizza-pool-birthday party

Hangin'out in our empty, boxed up apartment :(

Two of my old students and their family came over to go swimming at our pool. Afterwards we ate spaghetti and watched Madegascar 2 on our projector.

Saying good-bye to my good friend Traci before we moved. Isn't she beautiful!

Panama City, FL

2009-09-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

I know in an earlier post, I talked about the onset of my morning sickness while we were in Florida. Although in that post I highlighted the pains of being sick on a vacation, it wasn't all cinnamon rolls and saltines, moaning and dry heaving. We did many other fun things- endless games of nerts, laying out under our umbrellas on the beach, circle tag, walks on the beach, playing in the pool, eating out at Captain Anderson's, the nightly family dinners, and just having fun company to be around.

Green Chili Burritos, Pickles, & a Peanut

2009-09-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

As our little "peanut" (as we lovingly began to call our baby) continued to grow and develop, some other things within me also began to appear. #1- An acute sense of smell. Chad has joked that if I were a superhero, my super power would be my sense of smell. In our apartment in Utah, I kept smelling something really potent, but I couldn't figure out what it was. One day I'd had enough and decided to discover the source of the smell. I opened the fridge and took a deep inhale and gagged at the pungency. I began picking up individual jars and containers of food and smelling them. Finally, towards the back of the fridge, I came across a big jar of minced garlic. I found the culprit! Little did I know that my sense of smell was so strong that something in a closed refrigerator could contaminate the air in the whole apartment for me. I proceeded to enclose the jar in a Ziploc bag and then double bag it in garbage sacks. Then like magic, the odor disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.

The second super power that I began to develop with this pregnancy has been my very distinctive food cravings. One night I was so hungry, but absolutely nothing sounded good to me. Then ding, out of nowhere the thought of a green chili burrito from Taco Bell entered my mind and I knew what I wanted. I hadn't eaten at Taco Bell in probably over ten years! Chad, being a supportive husband, went and bought me some burritos. But this wouldn't be the only night. The Taco Bell drive-thru worker soon became acquainted with Chad and would even ask about me and how my pregnancy was going. I also took a liking to a particular brand of baby dill pickles- Steinfeld pickles. Unfortunately, Chad also developed a taste for my beloved pickles and one night finished the jar off. On my next trip to the grocery store, I was shocked to find they no longer carried Steinfeld pickles. We searched other grocery stores in vain for Steinfeld or another comparable pickle, but to no avail. Happily, my in laws found a grocer that carried my favorite pickles and bought them for me as an early birthday present.

Pregnancy and Morning Sickness

2009-09-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

When we decided to try to get pregnant, we had no idea it would come so quickly for us. In fact, I can still remember the day when we found out. For a few days, my emotions were getting to me. I felt more prone to tears and was a little on the down side, and I had no idea why. I was in the middle of one of my emotional meltdowns, when Chad suggested, "maybe you're just pregnant". He suggested I try one of the pregnancy tests that I'd picked up at the store a few days earlier. I thought it was too soon to tell anything, but agreed to try anyways. When a faint yellow line began to appear, I initially thought that symbolized a negative sign, meaning I wasn't pregnant. But then we looked to the box for further clarification. From the box, we learned that a line meant positive! Maybe there was an explanation for my emotions after all. The line was so faint, however, that we wouldn't know for sure until I saw my family doctor a few days later.

I was about a month along when we went to Florida to spend time with the Guerras. We stayed in their grandma's timeshare that she had on the beach in Panama City. It was fun to spend time with everyone, maybe a little humid for my taste, but fun...that is, until my morning sickness kicked in. At the time, I didn't know that hunger would make the nausea worse. To me it seemed counter intuitive to eat when you already feel nauseated. Because of this I spent a good day or so rotating between tossing and turning in bed mixed with occasional moaning (I swear sporadic moaning helps take the edge off pain), throwing up, back to bed some more, back to the toilet to dry heave, etc, etc. A google search taught me of the need to constantly snack to ward off nausea. The only thing that remotely appealed to me were the cheap Winn Dixie cinnamon rolls that Chad's dad had kept buying that whole week. All of the family had given him grief about it throughout our time there, but he continued to stock up with each trip to Winn Dixie. Needless to say, he was glad to win someone over to his side in support of the cinnamon rolls. While Chad's dad stocked up on the cinnamon rolls, Chad's mom bought me a supply of saltine crackers to cope with my nausea. Sadly, these made me dry heave and didn't even phase my nausea...back to the cheap cinnamon rolls!

It was good to get back home to be sick in my own bed, but the next few months would also be a challenge for me. My morning sickness got worse and was oftentimes debilitating leaving me confined to the house while Chad was at work. I thought being sick was hard, but adding loneliness and boredom on top of it made this even more trying. I gained new appreciation of the Savior's command to visit the sick and administer to their relief (see Matthew 25:35-40, Mosiah 4:26). We continued to have our traditional movie nights with Chad's family and they were always welcome guests. Somehow their presence eased my morning sickness. There were also other visits and other visitors that gave me temporary relief. I'm grateful for them.

Even though I struggled, the Lord did not leave me comfortless. One night as I drifted off to sleep, a particular scripture came to mind. I looked it up the next morning in my scripture study. This scripture would become my theme through this time period. "And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings" (1 Nephi 17:2).

There were many times when I thought to myself, I have a high tolerance of pain in some respects, but when it comes to nausea and morning sickness, I'm a wuss! I'd always had pretty good health. My struggles had come in other areas, for example, I felt I could handle heartbreak and rejection fairly well. Surely my years of dating and serving a mission in Spain had helped me in that respect. I also felt I was pretty good at dealing with the pains of oxygen debt and lactic acid- I'd spent years lifting weights and running which had disciplined me in dealing with these types of pain. The scripture in 1 Nephi reassured me that this trial, like all trials, was to help make me "strong like a man" so that I could bear my pain without complaint. My morning sickness finally dissappeared after four months. I can't say that I was able to get to the point where I could bear the sickness without any complaint whatsoever (I'm sure it will take me a few more pregnancys to get to that point), but I did see myself getting stronger.

"And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness" (1 Nephi 17:3). I know that having this child is what the Lord would have us do. We're grateful to be entrusted with such a blessing and responsibility and I know that as we move forward with faith, the Lord will nourish, strengthen, and provide means for us to fulfill his commandments.

The engagement & wedding

2009-08-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

We both knew around Thanksgiving that we wanted to be married. In looking at possible dates, it seemed convenient to be married right before my spring break so we could go on our honeymoon during that time. The only problem...my spring break was in February. That didn't leave much time to plan for a wedding. As the reality of all the planning set in, I told Chad that I'd need some help. I asked if we could tell his mom so that she could help me begin planning, even though things weren't official.
She was so excited when we told her. It was a Sunday. "I knew it!", she said. I can still see her face when Chad threw in that we wanted to be married in February. "Oh. Let me sit down...February. Ok, that's alright. We do fast weddings in this family. We can do this."
Chad went home with me for Christmas. It was Christmas day when he asked my dad for my hand in marriage. He, of coarse, agreed.
New Year's day, I had missed a call from Chad. He left a message asking how I felt about going out to get breakfast, and maybe for a nice dinner that night. I'd already eaten, but I called him back saying I'd be over to his apartment once I'd gotten ready. When I got there, I had a heavy load of things that I was toting up the stairs. I estimated that my load weighed probably 60+ pounds. As I struggled up the stairs I started to get a little annoyed. Surely he had to have seen me from his window struggling with the load. Where was he to offer help? I finally reached the door and kicked it with my foot to attempt a knock since my hands weren't free. Instead of a nice greeting, he opened the door and scarred me. This added to my building nerves, until I realized he was holding a rose. "Oh, you shouldn't have", I said. Then I came in. The floor was covered with roses and notes for me, on the wall he had a slide show of pictures of us projected, and in the background played a few of our songs. It was in that setting that he proposed to me.
We set the date for February 14 to be married in the Salt Lake temple. That didn't leave us much time. Planning a wedding in such a short time is a very stressful thing. I was thankful that Chad's mom had moved to Utah a month earlier. She was a lifesaver and it was fun getting to know her better as we worked together planning everything. In addition to being short on time, I also had a tight budget to work with. In regards to that, I felt the tender mercies of the Lord as we were led to people and resources that helped make things beautiful, yet inexpensive.
In the end, we had a wintery, snowy wedding day, but one that turned out beautiful.

Catch up...part 2

2009-07-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

After summer, it was back to normal life. I decided to move to be closer to work and mix up my social life a little. I moved from Provo to Draper. When I moved to Draper, I met a lot of fun, new friends, but one person in particular would stand out.

Earlier in the summer, I had a old mission companion, Ashley Guerra (now Ashley Nagel), email me asking if I could help her out. She said her brother needed to meet new people and she thought we could be friends and maybe even help each other network. I said that'd be cool, but I'd be gone for the summer and get back with her when I was back in Utah. When I made my move to Draper, I emailed her back saying I knew that she was the one asking for a favor, but now I was the one in need of new friends since I'd just moved to a new place. She passed on my number (and a picture I later found out). It was a few weeks later that I got a text- "Hi, my name is Chad Guerra. Nice to text you." It was about a week of texting before he said he wanted to meet me. We set something up for a coming Saturday.

My first impression of Chad was that I was taller than him and that I probably outweighed him. But then I thought, 'Oh well, I'll have fun anyways'. And we did. We went and hiked Mt. Timpanogas and took the cave tour. During the hike I was impressed that he was easy to talk to, yet he was quick with a joke and could make me laugh. I wouldn't say I was completely won over at this point, but thought it could be fun to see him again, but I also thought that this date would probably be the first and last. I was suprised when he turned to me before leaving and said he'd like to see me again.

That would be the beginning of our "long distance" relationship. He lived in North Ogden and I in Draper. Although the hour between us was a pain, that didn't keep us from seeing each other every day. Over the next few months we did lots of fun things together- kayaking, singing, hiking, dancing, movie watching, attending each other's ward activities and meetings, eating out, cooking, meeting family, hot tubbing, working out, walks, talks, spending holidays together...and falling in love.

Catch up on my life...part 1

2009-07-31T16:27:00.000-07:00

Wow! A lot has happened since I last wrote! I'll try to sum things up, we'll start with last summer.

Summer 2008- Had lots of fun. Went to Vegas for the first time. Stayed with my cousin Megan and picked Lynnae up from the airport. We shopped, ate, took a million pics and had a lot of fun!

After that it was off to home sweet home in Northern Arizona! There I went to two family reunions, celebrated the 4th of July, and ran a 5K.
-Freestone reunion...

-Wilkins reunion...

-Watching the 4th of July parade from the front of our house...

-Then a stop in Mesa, Az where Shannon, Preston and me stayed with my grandparents for a few weeks. Grandfather kept a beautiful garden and I loved it! We got to eat fresh fruits and vegetables and grandma's cooking everyday! I especially loved the fresh tomatoes (we enjoyed them in the middle of the Salmonella scare on tomatoes).

-Then it was off to New York to spend time with my good friend Traci Garff. I had a blast! We did so much stuff- manicures/pedicures, see the sights of New York, eat NY pizza and cheesecake, layout by the pool, ride the subway & train, go to the temple, walk the Brooklyn bridge, visit central park, shop til we drop (loved the knock off purses & sunglasses, Zara and H&M), go to a fancy italian restaurant, and best of all...get drawn for the lottery for Wicked (middle, front row seats)!

My stationary

2008-05-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to think that I have profound thoughts. In such moments it's crucial that they're recorded. For example, one such time occurred in my mission. I scribbled down on my missionary planner what I thought was a new insight. Later that night I reviewed some of my scribbled thoughts to find I had written, "The Lord loves his children". Huh...not so original after all...
When such moments come and I don't have paper handy I use whatever is available. At times it's been the back of a receipt, during the mission it was my missionary planner, but yesterday was the best of all...yes, my car freshener. It's the best smelling notes I've taken yet. The only problem- I'm having a hard time deciphering what I wrote. So far, all I can make out is the word Bible, good, magnify and DC 76...huh...nice one Michelle.

Comfort Zones and Faith

2008-05-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you've ever been a little down and maybe not even realized it. You're just kind of going through life, not really miserable, but not necessarily happy either. I found myself in that state a few weeks back.
I had gotten into the routine of going to my sister's house at the end of the day. I had gone through an episode of heartache and was also experiencing feelings of uncertainty. By going to my sister's house I could temporarily forget any discomfort as I numbed my feelings away with the comfort I found being with my sister and my nephew. My thoughts at the time were that I was seeking a greater level of peace to face any uncomfortable feelings.
On one particular day, I had spent the day at Women's conference. Shannon came to pick me up from my house because she wanted me to go to Wal-mart with her. After shopping, we did some of our usual routine...watch Hannah Montana with my nephew, eat some ice cream, talk about the day and life, etc. I finished off all of this by taking a nice, long nap in her recliner. When I woke up it was dark and time to go home. I was still a little dazed as she drove me home. But in my state of half wakefulness something occurred to me. I turned to Shannon and with a laugh said, "I don't think we're very good for each other." "What do you mean?", she asked. "Well, every time we hang out we just end up eating and watching tv and sleeping", I replied. Shannon laughed. "Yeah, I have been thinking that every time you come over I just wanna eat and watch tv."
In all my searching to find peace, I think I instead found myself in a comfort zone.
That night I went home and although my "epiphany" may seem simple, to me it was profound. I prayed thanking the Lord for helping me recognize this and I prayed asking that he could teach me more, like what was the antidote for comfort zones.
Neal A. Maxwell once said, "In your life and mine, the great moments of commendation and correction have come usually in one-liners" (In Him All Things Hold Together, 3/1991, p. 3). My "one-liner" came the next day in a talk given by Julie B. Beck at women's conference. She was citing several scriptures to show how the Lord needs righteous sons and daughters to do his work. Among the quoted scriptures was 2 Nephi 28:21-22. I had always thought that scripture was particularly insightful about the need to be vigilant that I'm not just going through the motions of church worship while my heart was elsewhere. At that time I felt that I had not been seeking to be worldly, I had just been seeking comfort for my healing heart. I began to realize that although I had thought my attitude was "be still and know that I am God", in reality it was more "all is well in Zion". Did I assume that the Lord would deliver me from any discomfort when I took no 'action', "save it was to ask" (DC 9:7)?
Did I believe that I could, "sit upon my throne(s) and because of the exceeding goodness of God (I) could do nothing and he would deliver (me)" from any loneliness or discontentment (Alma
60:11)?
Julie Beck went on with her talk. She talked about how our fore bearers didn't sacrifice so much just so we could live more comfortable lives. Theirs were lives of faith and the same is expected of us. To counteract the "all is well in Zion" mentality, we would need more faith.
That following Sunday I sat in Relief Society listening to another lesson on the importance of visiting teaching. Once again I received another "one-liner". Luke 15:4 was cited. "What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine and go into the wilderness after that which is lost, until he find it?" (note JST). The teacher must have been inspired when she pointed out the fact that the wilderness is not the most comfortable place to go. It brought to my mind the story of Adam and Eve as they were expelled from the garden to face the lone and dreary wilderness. Definitely out of their comfort zone. I thought of others- Lehi and Sariah and their family, Moses leading the children of Israel, Jonah sent to preach in Nineveh, Alma and the sons of Mosiah.
As the week went on other examples continued to teach me of the necessity of leaving behind my comfort zones to step with faith into the unknowns of the "wilderness".
I subscribe to a health newsletter that sends me emails. One day I found an email saying this- "People love routine. There's comfort in doing the same things and knowing exactly what to expect- no surprises, no fear, no thinking required...doing the same moves day in and day out isn't doing much to help (or motivate) you. A lot of times we stick with a program because of that comfort zone. Maybe it's all you know how to do, maybe you're afraid...your muscles are smart. When they do new things- they're a little shaky at first. But they learn quickly, mastering these new moves, so much in fact that they become MORE efficient at doing them. So they don't have to work as hard (or burn as many calories, or respond with positive gains) to keep up with the program...always be challenging your body in order to keep improving your fitness level." Was it possible that my spiritual growth could also plateau because I was stuck in my own routines?
Maybe others are also stuck in a routine and are not living out of faith. Although we may have already established many good habits and "righteous reflexes", as Neal A. Maxwell termed it, these routines were never intended to signify that we can rest in our progression. The gentiles declaring "A Bible! A Bible! We have got a Bible, and there cannot be any more Bible"(2 Nephi 29:3) obviously did embrace some truth but were unwilling to embrace more. Are we similarly unwilling to grown when we live off of mere reflexes lacking faith? If so, we are living a life of "vain repetition" and in such a state we are numbered among those "honorable men of the earth...who receive of his glory, but not of his fulness" (DC 76:75-76). If the Lord has instructed Zion to "strengthen thy stakes and enlarge thy borders forever", would he not be equally concerned about his children ever progressing?
Perhaps if we lived more out of faith there would be less talk of comfort food, "going granola", plateaus, complacency, frumpiness, security blankets, unfulfilled potential, unrepented sin, negative self talk, a lack of forgiveness, mediocrity, apathy, and bad habits. Maybe there would also be less seeking of the vain things of the world with all their addictions which lull us away temporarily into a carnal security.
It is not the comforts and luxuries of life which bring us happiness. It is overcoming the challenges of life. We do this through our faith. It is faith which enables us to push the boundaries of our current comfort zones. With faith, we recognize that we can't wait for our circumstances to change. It is us that must do the changing. "For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them" (Ether 12:12). Why can God do no miracle? Maybe because we damn ourselves with our unbelief, lack of work, and desire to stay in that which is comfortable. With faith, we recognize that the journey ahead will be like leaving the comforts of Eden to experience the stresses of the wilderness, but we recognize that there is joy and peace as we overcome the obstacles of mortality.
I once said that I want to marry someone who helps me be humble. I thought I knew what this would feel like- It would be a feeling like I felt so secure in this person's love that I could leave behind vain cares of the world and be content in that person's love for me. Although I still believe that that's true to an extent, my definition of the humility has undergone some revision. It's been said that for us to grow and change, we must feel discontent with our current circumstances and state. David O. McKay once said you could recognize someone is good for you if, "in her presence you feel that you would like to be everything that a [great man] should become, for she will inspire you to that ideal". Perhaps that's why the most successful marriages are those where both people are putting God first, for when he is first, we cannot be in a comfort zone. We strive to be a better version of ourselves for God and thus for each other.
As I've thought more on routines and security blankets and comfort zones, I've come to see that it can be very easy to get stuck in one of these ruts, even without knowing. We become "neither cold nor hot" but lukewarm. Maybe because our natural man craves the comfortable and this seems to be the most comfortable temperature. Sadly in our ease we become selfish and self-centered. At the beginning of my learning curve about these things, I wrote in my journal about security blankets "It keeps me from reaching out to others...there's no joy in comfort zones, just complacent comfort."
Since learning of these things, I've made it a personal goal to get out of my comfort zone and be an agent who is "anxiously engaged in a good cause" who does "many things of (my) own free will, and bring(s) to pass much righteousness"(DC 58:27). To do so I will have to do some things that are scary for me, or that I might not want to do but know I should do, or finally chase after some of those goals which never seem to be accomplished. This is one of those subtle ways that I'm personally trying to put off the natural man. As I've done this I've been so happy- simple as that. I have faith that as I work and pray for help, that the Lord will help me "enlarge the borders" of my comfort zones to continue progressing. Life isn't about comfort, it's about growth, serving, loving and being loved. As I work with faith and seek the Lord for help in this process, I experience all of these and I come to a greater realization that God's love is so great that he is in the details of my life.

Rotary blade accident :)

2008-05-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

So I know that teaching was definitely a better line of work for me than anything in the medical field. I learned this first hand a few weeks ago.

I was trying to prepare for my elective class that I teach. We were on our sewing unit and I was cutting up square samples of material that my students could sew on. I was in a hurry as I was using a rotary cutter. In my hurry, I didn't notice that my left index finger was in the pathway of the blade. I sliced of a good chunk of my finger, basically that side part of the finger where the cuticle is and maybe barely getting a sliver of the the fingernail. Luckily I had a baby wipe nearby which i grabbed to keep from bleeding all over the place.

I couldn't tell how bad the damage was cause there was so much blood, but still surprised at what I'd done, I walked out to the front desk and announced to the receptionist that I'd just cut off some of my finger. She didn't have the stomach to look at it so she had a nearby man assess the damage. That drew others in to see what was going on. As I heard comments such, "Oh, that doesn't look good" or "You'll probably need stitches" or "They're going to have to sew that back on", I began to get queezy. "I need to sit down", I said.

I must have been quite the sight. There I am in the lobby of the school surrounded by about 6 people, bloody make-shift bandages everywhere and about this time, my eighth grade students begin to walk in from lunch. I overhear them say, "What's going on with Miss Wilkins?" Those surrounding me ask, "Do you feel ok? You look like you're going to faint. You're pretty pale." I've never fainted, so I'm not sure what that feels like, but I'm pretty sure the way I was feeling is the precursor to fainting. I admitted to them that I was really grossed out and felt queezy. I also began to feel a tingling sensation going up both of my arms and I was shaking like a leaf. One man helping that was first aid certified said that I was beginning to go into shock. With that confession I found all sorts of people offering their remedies. One teacher offered me her apple, the principal brought me a candy bar, one parent volunteer brought a chair over to prop my legs up on and another man forced me to recline and take deep breaths.

Whenever I'd complain of any ache or pain in the past, my dad would say something like, "Welcome to the world of sports." Over the years, I learned to toughen up a bit and I think I kind of prided myself on that fact. Yet this day all pride was torn down. Yes, I was a complete girl over a cut finger. But hey...I didn't cry :)

Baby powder and other beauty secrets...

2008-05-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

Most guys I'm sure are clueless, along with maybe some girls, to the beauty secret held in reserve for those days when you sleep in a little too long and you're not quite able to squeeze a shower into your morning routine. The secret is this...baby powder. Yes, sprinkle a little baby powder into the hair, blend it in and wa-lah, you're disgusting hair problems are solved for the day.

This morning my roommate Traci was a little late in waking up. It was a baby powder day for her. However, her sister gave her a new contraption, a little product called "pssssstt". Pssssstttt is basically spray in shampoo. It's the equivalent of baby powder. So there I was, getting ready for church, Traci to my right as she proceeded to spray her "shampoo" into her hair. I glanced over at her to make some sarcastic comment when I realized that she was holding a can of odor eaters foot spray. I was so confused. "Odor eaters??", I said, questioning her rational as she sprayed it in her hair. She looked at me, then looked at the can, and then back at me with a look of shock and disgust. Needless to say, it ended up being ashower day for Traci after all.

Agency and Heartfelt Obedience

2008-05-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today I learned something about how the Lord honors our free agency. I have a friend that is dating someone that is so in love with her and wants to marry her, but she's not completely sold on the idea. She's confused because she hasn't received any answers that she should marry him and he's apparently received more definite answers that marrying her is the right thing to do. A friend pointed out the fact that he is already decided on what he wants and therefore the Lord can confirm to him that he's made a good decision. She on the other hand, is undecided. Why would the Lord confirm an answer if she doesn't even know what she wants? She can't ask with faith unwavering because she hasn't made up her mind yet (James 1:5-6).
I think this principle can be applied to other areas of life, such as in repententing and receiving forgiveness. If we are going through the motions of repentance, but our hearts aren't in it and a clean life is not what we firmly desire, will the Lord really grant unto us forgiveness? We too are indecisive and wavering. Of coarse the Lord won't purify our lives and hearts if we are going through the steps of repentance but our hearts are still clinging to sin instead of longing for the peace of conscience that comes from being clean before the Lord. When we have this attitude we are as the people of Lehi-Nephi to whom Abinidi preached when he said "Ye have not applied your hearts to understanding; therefore ye have not been wise." (Mosiah 12:27) (The people of Lehi-Nephi "kept" the law of Moses.) Where are our hearts? Do we wish that our circumstances could change? Do we want to "become a law unto (ourself)" (DC 88:35) so that we can continue in our sinful ways or do we desire to engage in the battle of putting off the natural man and seek to change ourselves and our own hearts to be more fitting of disciples of Christ?
"Salvation doth not come by the law alone" (Mosiah 13:28). Our hearts must be sincerely seeking to have that peace of conscience before the Lord. It is not just works or those things which we do which are outwardly recognizeable that save us. We are saved by works and faith or in other words, heartfelt obedience. In this state of sincerity (or broken heart and contrite spirit), Christ can "answer the ends of the law" for "unto none else can the ends of the law be answered" (2 Nephi 2:7). He can't save us without us wanting him to.
But what do you do when we see that your wills is so strong and you're having a hard time submitting or even acknowledging the Lord's will for you? Or maybe you're having a hard time actually having the desire to give up your sin. Maybe you keep falling back into the same sins and your desire to keep trying is diminishing. We know from Alma 32 that the desire to change must be present before a seed of faith can be planted. I find hope in this scripture- DC 46:9. "For verily I say unto you they (the gifts of the spirit) are given for the benefit of those who love me and keep all my commandments and him that seeketh so to do". The Lord acknowledges that sometimes we seek to keep the commandments, but we fail.
I know there has been times where I could justify my actions, but deep down inside, my conscience was at unrest. In such instances I think it's the natural man's tendency to give up on ourselves because we see that our hearts are still entangled in sin. We can also begin to lose hope that the Lord can or will help us. In this state we begin to "seek deep to hide (our) counsel from the Lord" (Isaiah 29:15) and we begin to slacken off in our prayers whether it be frequency or sincerity. When we give in to such hopeless feelings and take council from our fears we can know that we are giving in to the natural man. Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "To make us lose hope, feel miserable like himself and believe that we are beyond forgiveness, Satan might even misuse words from the scriptures that emphasize the justice of God, in order to imply that there is no mercy...God loves all of His children, and He will never cease to love and to hope for us...the Atonement of Jesus Christ can give us the assurance that sin is not a point of no return" (Ensign, 5/2007).
So how do we overcome these natural man tendencies and come off conquer? "We need a stong faith in Christ to be able to repent. Our faith has to include a "correct idea of (God's) character, perfections, and attributes" (Lectures on Faith (1985), 38). If we believe that God knows all things, is loving, and merciful, we will be able to put our trust in Him for our salvation without wavering. Faith in Christ will change our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that are not in harmony with God's will" (Uchtdorf, 100). We must realize that the Lord is pleased even when we "seeketh so to do". I have learned that although I may feel guilt and unworthy of the Lord's help, He is much more merciful with me than I can be with myself. I've also learned that the Lord loves honesty. When I see that my will is so strong and I have a disobedient disposition, I pray and tell my Heavenly Father about it. I'm honest with Him about how I may not want help, may not even have the desire to change, how I may be filled with such frustration with myself or that I'm even losing hope, but that I know what is right and I want to have a softened and believing heart. The Lord has told us that extending forgiveness is a precondition to receiving it. Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "For our own good, we need the moral courage to forgive and to ask for forgiveness...this includes forgiving ourselves." When I humble myself to acknowledge that I need and want the Lord's help and I believe that he'd actually offer it to me, I am in a sense forgiving myself.
I know the Lord won't grant us that which we don't want. However, sometimes we need help changing our agency to be aligned with His will for us. We must have trust in the Lord's love for us and aproach him in humility despite our weaknesses and shortcomings. Whenever I have asked or knocked or sought, he has given me line upon line, and gradually helped me reach the point where I don't just seek to keep the commandments, but am actually abiding by them and living my life in accordance to His will for me. As I do this, my faith in Him becomes unwavering.

Discerning the voice of the Lord

2008-05-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

I've thought a lot about being able to discern the voice of the Lord lately. Two common, everyday things have helped me better understand this process.

When I got home from my mission I remember that my natural inclination would be to speak Spanish to my little brothers and any other young children trying to talk to me. At first I was puzzled why it was only children that seemed to evoke this response from me. Sure there were a few Spanish words that would slip into conversations as my mind would pull up words that most easily and accurately expressed my thoughts. But never did I open my mouth to speak to an adult and Spanish sentences came out. As I thought about this, I realized that children's speech was harder for me to understand. I had to switch modes to be able to put together their fragmented sentences and r's sounding like w's. I had to tune my ear in to discern what they were saying. It was similar to Spanish. I had to switch from English mode to Spanish mode and pay a little better attention than I would to someone speaking my own native tongue. So for both children gibberish and Spanish, it was if I had to change modes and tune into a different frequency.
The other night I had a dream. I remember the tv was on and I couldn't understand it... that is until someone pointed out that the program it played was Spanish. As I realized this, I sat down and began paying attention and saw that I could understand everything all the while, I had just not been paying close enough attention. I was trying to listen with my English discerning ears and had not tuned myself in to listen for Spanish.
Now for those that have never learned a foreign language and are having a hard time relating with my above examples, I give my last example.
The other day I was walking to my sister's house while listening to my ipod. It was a beautiful sunny day and I found myself listening to a song sung by the Mormon Tabernacle choir from their Consider the Lillies soundtrack. I don't remember what particular song it was, but I found myself paying special attention to the lyrics. "Those are cool lyrics", I remember thinking. "I've listened to this song so many times and never have known all the lyrics". I payed better attention. The song played on and I realized that even with paying special attention, I still could not discern all that the song said. I hit the rewind button to replay the lyrics to see if I could better discern the song's message. Even with multiple repeats, there's lyrics that I'm still oblivious to. I realized that the process of discerning the song's message required me tuning my ear in to be able to comprehend the words of the song. I had listened to the song multiple times and knew much of the chorus, but there was so many lyrics that I had never understood because I hadn't tuned my ear in to listen and discern.
Now, applying these examples to discerning the voice of the Lord. How much are we really receptive to? How much could we benefit by taking the time to be still and closely listen, not so much a physical stillness where we drop everything and sit in some yoga stance and not so much just listening with our ears that hear audible sounds. We have to switch modes to discern those things which the Lord communicates on a different frequency. I think of the nephites in 3 Nephi 11. In verse 3 they hear a voice that sounds like it came from heaven. It says they "cast their eyes round about, for they understood not the voice". I can imagine them looking all around at each other and at their surroundings, maybe wondering if their neighbor understands and can explain. Maybe hoping to find the source of the voice. Maybe wondering if others hear it too. There were those that maybe had been prepared to hear because it says "them that did hear" were pierced to the center. Maybe those that did hear were those that had practice discerning and hearing the voice of the Lord. Then the multitude heard the voice again. Once again they didn't understand. Are they thinking the same things again? Then a third time the voice is heard. This time they are ready. No wandering eyes. No looking to their neighbor. Their gaze is fixed towards heaven "from whence the sound came". And their ears are open to hear it. Perhaps it's not so much their physical ears that are now receptive. They had previously discerned a noise or sound or voice before. But this time their hearts are quieted, tuned in and ready to hear.
The Lord is in the details of our lives and wants to help us overcome our challenges but sometimes it is us that are ignorant of his presence because we trust to much in our own judgment and ideas. We must take the time to quiet our hearts in humility and tune our ears into his will if we are to hear the voice of the Lord.

By small and simple means...

2008-04-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

I've been guilty many times of "running faster than I have strength". Even though I still am guilty of this from time to time, I began to learn this lesson line upon line on my mission. Below are some of my thoughts I wrote down on the topic and quotes I found related to the subject...

May 21, 2005
How do you maintain faithful? When disbelief creeps in, when things don't go exactly perfect or when you see the task at hand will require even more patience or hard work? What do you do? Sometimes it's so easy to give up and settle for mediocracy. How do you avoid that? How do you keep that desire burning? Also, how do you not wear yourself out initially because your hopes are so great, you get to work, hard work, and then you begin to burn out? How do you avoid that?

May 28, 2005
I do think I've been running a little faster than I have strength. I've been super tired this week. On top of walking the streets practically everyday this week, I've also been getting up early to exercise longer and I've been eating healthier and less snacks, more veggies. So between all this, my body is worn out.
How do I expect to maintain such a pace? Basically I'm trying to cram everything in what should've been spread out over a long period of time. My trying to work hard to see quick results is basically a lack of patience. God's pace is one of nature. Things take time and by small and simple things are great things brought to pass. Basically me trying to do everything and more to see my desired results is more a demonstration of my trust in my own knowledge and lack of patience. Instead I should make permanent changes- those that through diligence, I can maintain. With patience I wait to reap the effects of my diligence. My faith in God should include patience and diligence. Not a burst of energy and short lived efforts. Moderation in all things, right?

May 31, 2005
I got to thinking about something I'd read in church news. "What we need are not short frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime". This set my thoughts off. By small and simple means.
I've been waiting this past few weeks for the sun tan line from my watchband to show up. You'd think with the sun and time spent in the streets that it'd be pretty prominent by now, but it's not. It's been a very gradual process. There hasn't been one significant day when I could come home and say, "Okay, after today I've finally got the tan". It's been a little everyday, so little I can't tell the progress.
I began thinking about how all the good things in life or those things which are more lasting take time, patience and diligence...suntanning, getting in shape, maintaining a clean house, growing a plant, spirituality, learning, musical talents, long distance running, and forgiveness.
This list could go on, but all these things require steady effort, not just a once and a while burst of energy or action. Our commitment and desire is shown in consistency.
It's been the little things I've tried to do throughout my mission consistently- like street contacts- that help me feel confident about my efforts here and the things I've learned and gained.

June 1, 2005
Hermana Lindsay asked (Lola) how her blood pressure was and she said it was doing better and made some comment how levels of stress affect it. I asked her how she copes with stress. Her comment was so simple yet it taught me something so profound. She said, "Siguo adelante haciendo las cosas con tranquilidad" (I keep moving forward calmly doing things). I like that. We have to keep moving forward because if we become idle, that invites the stress of tasks unfinished, but on the other end of the spectrum, it's also possible to run faster than we have strength. We can stress ourselves out with too fast of a pace. Lola went on to say, "life is like driving on a freeway. We can go fast or at a more moderate pace. Either way we will arrive, but one with less stress and more security." I made my own comment to that. "The one with the more moderate pace will also arrive with more gas left at the end of his journey."

It's not the one big suntanning session which brings the lasting summer tan.
The one time extra low-fat salad and hard once in a while work-out that brings good health.
The deep spring cleaning that brings the reputation of a clean house.
The drenching a seed with water once in a while that brings growth.
The emotionally born testimony once a year that brings the assurance of spirituality.
The crammed late night studying that qualifies one as an expert in a certain subject or brings sufficient preparation for a test.
The one time grand effort spent learning and practicing a song that brings musical talent.
The sprint at the beginning of a long race that brings the victory.
The one time pleading that brings forgiveness.
It is steady, consistant dedication to principle that brings preparation. Repetitive habits will form who we are and what we have done. It is through the small, repetitive things that we see and show our commitments and dedication. - Me

Adopt the pace of Nature: her secret is patience. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

My soul, sit thou a patient looker-on; judge not the play before the play is done, her plot has many changes, everyday speaks a new scene, the last act crowns the play. -William Shakespeare

What we need are not short frenzied outbursts of emotion but the steady and tranquil dedication of a lifetime. -Adlai E. Stevenson

Sometimes excessive effort that lacks prudence and patience drives us to mistakes.
-DC manual, pg 21

I always wanted to do something great, but I have found that greatness is achieved in little pushes and shoves. -Helen Keller

When I think of pioneers, tragic scenes come to mind: handcarts in blizzards, sickness, frozen feet, empty stomachs and shallow graves.
However, as I learn more about that monumental trek I am convinced that along with those very real and dramatic scenes, most of the journey for most of the people was pretty routine. Mostly they walked and walked and walked...So what does all this have to do with us in our current world? I believe it has everything to do with us. Most of our lives are not a string of dramatic moments that call for immediate heroism and courage. Most of our lives rather, consist of daily routines, even monotonous tasks, that wear us down and leave us vulnerable to discouragement. sure we know where we're going, and if it were possible we would choose to jump out of bed, work like crazy, and be there by nightfall. But our goal, our journey's end, our Zion is life in the presence of our Heavenly Father. And to get there we are expected to walk and walk and walk. This week-after-week walking forward is no small accomplishment. The pioneer steadiness, the plain, old hard work of it all, their willingness to move inch by inch, step by step toward the promise land inspire me as much as their more obvious acts of courage. It is so difficult to keep believing that we are making progress when we are moving at such a pace- to keep believing in the future when the mileage of the day is so minuscule...President Howard W. Hunter said, "True greatness...always requires regular consistent, small, and sometimes ordinary and mundane steps over a long period of time." How easy it is to want quick and dramatic results in exchange for a day's labor! And yet how happy people are who have learned to bend with the rhythm of paced and steady progress- even to celebrate and delight in the ordinariness of life. Don't be discouraged.
- Virginia H. Pearce (Keep Walking & Give Time A Chance, General Conference 4/97)

The people of the city of Enoch are remembered by us as good- so incredibly good- that the whole city was taken up into heaven. But if we read carefully, we see that the city of Zion was taken up into heaven "in process of time" (Moses 7:21). Just like the pioneers, just like you and me, it must have been a process of walking forward, step by step, over a long period of time.
The indra swallowtail butterfly is one of nature's most spectacular specimins. Laboratory scientists have carefully chronicled its life cycle. An egg is laid at just the right spot on the food plant. Within five days it hatches and grows into a black caterpillar with yellow-orange dots. When mature, the caterpillar creates its own chrysalis. Most emerge after two years. But some, and this is an interesting observation- have been known to remain in the chrysalis for up to seven years. Then, unexpectedly, within a few short hours the once-spotted caterpillar emerges as a gorgeous black butterfly and take flight. Did this caterpillar become a butterfly in a few short hours or in seven years?...Those who understand their own personal growth patiently continue to pray, do their daily work, and give time a chance.
The vernacular for this is "Just hang in there!"
-Virginia H. Pearce, Ensign 5/97

Alma 32:41
DC 10:4
Mosiah 4:27
DC 93:20
Alma 37:6
DC 123:15-17
DC 64:33-34

Submission

2008-04-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

In the Book of Mormon in Alma 10:6 Amulek says something that's always intrigued me. He says, "I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know". How many times have I found those words to ring true for me. There have been times where I've wanted things to be or work out a certain way. My will becomes so strong that I seek to "become a law unto (my)self" (DC 88:35). This isn't a struggle that only Amulek and I have faced. Others have felt this inward struggle of will too.
Korihor acknowledged it when he finally admitted "I always knew"yet he chose another path against what he "knew"because it was "pleasing unto the carnal mind" (Alma 30:52-53). Christ spoke in parables because there were others who knew, yet they would not know. He referred to them when he said, "hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive" (Matt. 13:14). Laman and Lemuel were also unwilling to "know"what they "knew". They had seen angels, they had heard the voice of the Lord and they had had the still, small voice speak to them, yet they were "past feeling" and their hardended hearts that refused to understand "could not feel his words"(1 Nephi 17:45). Finally James spoke of another multitude that knew yet would not know when he said "the devils also believe, and tremble." (James 2:19). Obviously "knowledge" doesn't always motivate us to works.
Sometimes we allow ourselves to become spiritually blind. In such a state of spiritual blindness we begin to only see those things which are "pleasing to the carnal mind". It would be naive to consider the promises made to Lehi that ïnasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall prosper"(1 Nephi 2:20) as merely a promise of economic prosperity. Yet when we are carnally minded and mind the things of the flesh, we develop tunnel vision which limits our eternal vision. Similarly, it would be foolish to consider our temple covenants as offering only physical blessings, tithing as only opening the windows of heaven in a financial sense, missionary service as only benefiting a family monetarily, the priesthood as only offering physical security, protection and healing, love as only occurring with someone that meets the physical criteria of a list, and Christ as a miracle worker only to those with physical ailments.
So what is the solution to all this spiritual blindness? He who healed the blind of his day, also has the power to heal the spiritually blind. We must have faith in him. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). Sometimes the way our hearts want to understand and perceive things is after the manner that is "pleasing to the carnal mind". Sometimes our hearts must be broken before they can feel. But heartache alone is not sufficient. It must be the right type of breaking and sorrow.
When we begin a fast, we long for food. Even so, our natural man's response to any pain is to initially question it, to wonder why me, and long for the time when we had what we wanted and could persist in our own way. In fasting, we must reach a mindset where our physical hunger ceases to be a preoccupation and our hearts are stilled, we are inwardly quieted and we feel submissive. Heartache must take us to a similar place if we are to progress. Otherwise we experience what Mormon called the "sorrowing of the damned" and what Paul referred to as "the sorrow of the world" (Mormon 2:13, 2 Corinthians 7:10). "Their sorrowing was not unto repentance because of the goodness of God...they did not come unto Jesus...but they did curse God, and wish to die" (Mormon 2:13-14). It's not just a broken heart that the Lord requires because there are those that would still be unwilling to give up their own agendas despite their pain. Just as we cannot change another's heart and we can't change truth, the Savior will never force our hearts to change and can't heal us without our consent. He honors our agency. We are the only ones that have the final say as to the condition of our hearts. Ours must be a sacrifice of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. We must "cease doing things our way and learn to do things God's way instead. In such a condition of submissiveness, the atonement can take effect and true repentance can occur. The penitent will then experience the sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost which will fill them with peace of conscience and the joy of reconciliation with God" (Bruce D. Porter, A Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit, Ensign 11/07).
I know that God is more loving and merciful with us than we sometimes envision him to be. "God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved" (Johh 3:17). Jesus Christ is our advocate with the Father. When we recognize that we're "kicking against the pricks" and that our hearts may not be broken and contrite, we can pray for help. If we pray in sincerity to the Lord asking for His help to find a way to change, He will help us realign our will with His. This is true humility- knowing we are unworthy of such mercy yet he grants it regardless because He loves us.

Friends

2008-04-11T23:01:00.001-07:00

Christmas 2007

2008-04-11T22:03:00.000-07:00